Here are my top 5 Pet Peeves. Any you would want to add?

#5 Slogans
I’m talking church marque signs. And bumper stickers. And matching mission team t-shirts. I once saw a team in a Florida airport heading to Haiti with shirts boldly declaring, “WE HELP THE POOR.” The shirts were complete with a Haitian map so all the Haitians would know they were talking about them.

Can you imagine Jesus writing, “I Help the Poor” in the sand? Or “Choose the Bread of Life or You Are Toast,” or “Prevent Truth Decay, Brush Up On Your Bible,” or “Why Pay for GPS, Jesus Gives Directions for Free.” It’s embarrassing.

And to think – we could be posting Scripture.

Or posting nothing.

And wearing normal t-shirts.

Or wearing – skip that.
#4 Blindsided Before Church
I made the jump from Youth Pastor to Interim Pastor when our Senior Pastor left. It was one of my first Sundays in that role, and I was preaching. I was walking up to the front of the church during the prelude, as someone pulled me aside. Then they unloaded.

“I hate to bother you with this, but Buddy just said they are leaving, and you know they are related to half this church. I’m not sure we will make it through this interim, certainly not with your leadership. We’re down to just 2 weeks operating expenses in the bank, and it’s draining fast. And Elmer – you know, the chairman of our elders – he just came out as a past member of the KKK, and will be on TV tonight explaining the burnings. Oh – the music is starting. God bless your message today, Pastor.”

OK, I don’t remember what they said, I just remember trying to wrap my head back around a sermon after being blindsided on the way to my seat. Now I’m ready with evasive action.

I’ve founds these answers helpful. “Sorry to interrupt, but we will need to talk later. I’m getting ready to speak.” Or, “I’ve made it a policy not to talk church business on Sunday Mornings. Can you call me tonight?” Or, “Does Satan use you often?”

Lighten up – I’d never say that. Outloud.

I wonder if the evil powers haven’t used all of us in a wicked role like that a time or two.
# 3 Spiritual Gifts Tests
I’ve had my share of birthdays. And, even at my current state of senility, I can usually recognize the gift once I tear the wrapping off. Ah, a new shirt, a new laptop, a new set of teeth.

If God gave us something, why do we need a test to figure out what it is? Did He disguise it in some cosmic game of hide and seek? It seems to me we are simply confusing talents with gifts. Here is a novel idea – what if God’s “new birth” gifts aren’t the same as our birth talents? What if He really does make us strong where we are weak, rather than stronger where we are already strong?

Nah, couldn’t be. If that were the case. . .

• We’d see some Jewish trained PhD become the great evangelist to the . . . gentiles. I’d have advised Paul to join Jews for Jesus.
• We’d see a selfish scared missionary who wanted people to go to hell leading the greatest revival in history. Would Jonah have been supported by your missions committee?
• We’d see some spindly teenager become the Hulk, but no one would know where his strength came from. If Sampson really looked like our Sunday-School drawings, why did they keep asking what made him so strong?
• We’d see an old stuttering, fugitive free a nation. I might have let Moses lead our nursing home ministry – but only if he first had a life insurance policy with our church named as a beneficiary, a “Help I Can’t Get Up” medical alert necklace, and a “The Church Can’t be Sued for Past Actions” release signed.

If God gave spiritual gifs, we’d see a shepherd fight giants. Fishermen start a church. Old people have babies. Shadows heal. Maybe if we trashed the test and got out of our talent / comfort zone we’d discover Something greater.
# 2 Pv 29:18 Vision Statements

It seems like every book on leadership uses Proverbs 29:18 “Where there is no vision, the people perish.” KJV.

The insinuation seems to be that if we have no vision statement, we will all perish. Is that like Jn 3:16 Hell perish, or just die perish? If it’s Hell perish, could we say a vision statement is damn important?

An entire book will use a modern translation (NIV, NLT or whatever), until they get to this verse. Then it is KJV every time – and only they only quote this portion of the verse. Come on, those of us reading know better. The authors know better.

This verse isn’t talking about vision.

The complete verse in the New King James reads, “Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; But happy is he who keeps the law.” It’s similar in the NASB, NIV, NLT, etc. English has changed meaning since the 1611 KJV. When the entire sentence is read, it’s clear this passage is about divine revelation, not vision. It’s a great passage to illustrate why the USA is headed where it is – we’ve rejected divine revelation so are casting off restraint – but it doesn’t have much to do with my church vision statement.

That doesn’t mean I’m peeved when people teach vision-casting and planning from other passages of Scripture, or even from other passages of Proverbs. It’s not the teaching, but knowingly messing with scripture that bugs me.
# 1 Wanting to be Fed

I LOVE people that want to grow – but often wanting to be fed is different.

I see a red flag when someone new comes in the door and tells me, “We just weren’t being fed at that other church.” We all know some months or years from now they will be at some other church saying the same thing, talking about us.

The odd thing is, I hear it from people who have been believers for years. I so want to ask, “22 years you’ve been a believer, and you still want to be fed? That’s a LONG time to be in a high-chair crying for smashed peas. What do you think is wrong with you?”

So, when I become church dictator of the world, five of my commandments will be.
1. If you feel compelled to advertise your Christianity in neon – post Scripture not slogans.
2. Honor the worship service as a time for worship – no exceptions.
3. Find your gifts by doing outlandish ministry in the body of Christ – not by a test.
4. Don’t manipulate Scripture to fit your proposals – we’re servants, not prophets.
5. Grow up, reproduce, and feed others – getting spoon-fed is for babies.

Spending time with Daniel Schoen is never forgettable. Dangerous, probably. Predictable, hardly. Legal, mostly. Forgettable – only with Alzheimer’s.

What was I saying?

Daniel picked me up on Wednesday to play in SW Colorado. He arrived in his hell-bound motorhome filled to the roof mounted satellite antenna with diesel, food, and a ticket home – should I survive. The motorhome, with the trailer, stretched 60 mountain-road-lane-hogging feet. It was a wonderful place to stay, and being in the motorhome at 25 mph uphill in the mountains rather than stuck behind it was a pleasant feeling. Still, all motorhomes, Apple products, and cats end up in Hell someday. It will be sad when this one goes.

The second we arrived in Silverton, I remembered why I shuttered, yet couldn’t say NO, when Daniel asked me to join him on this little adventure.

• Daniel was just out of the jungle of Surinam in 1976 when we worked together at Camp Peniel. He had purchased an AMC Javelin, which he immediately customized by putting monkey skulls over the back dome lights. He kept me close to God. Before meeting Daniel I never knew you could put a 1 before a speed limit, drive at that speed on a regular basis, and live.

• I remembered climbing up a narrow cave spout with 18 campers – and almost losing one to the depths below, catching him at the last minute only by God’s grace.

• I remembered his brother fishing – with his machete – and cleaving supper near in half. From then on I called Daniel and his brother Tom, “friend.”

So what is the first thing Daniel does when we land in Silverton? He drives his 4-wheelers off of the top of his RV trailer using two fiberglass and aluminum ladders. Suddenly I knew, that after 25 years of not being around Daniel, that I was in for a treat. Dangerous, probably. Predictable, hardly. Legal, mostly. Forgettable – only with Alzheimers.

We had a great time talking about our kids, joys, struggles, God’s blessings, bible studies, old times, and fixing Datsun’s. Then we talked about our kids leaving, our vision diming, our teeth dissolving, and let’s just stop there.

Daniel gave me time to catch up, realizing that in the last 25 years he had kept playing in the jungles of Surinam, while I mellowed in Manitoba. However, on the last day, we did decide to take a run up this trail we saw on Red Mountain. After playing around in a few old mines, we wanted to get up to the holes you can see on the left side of Red Mountain. It looked like that path would bring us up there.

It didn’t.

Instead we hit a major rainstorm that AM, and I was soaked. Then, at the top of Red Mountain the path was so steep that the 4-wheelers would barely move. More gas made no difference – I’m not sure if it was the steepness of the path, or the extreme elevation. The path got narrower, the rocks looser, the further we went. Finally, we were on a suitcase-wide loose rock path that just stopped at the snow pile you can see in the picture.

Since we couldn’t turn around, we died.

Thanks for all the years of reading this blog. It was a great way to go. And a great location awaits.

There is something God-given about old friends that challenge you in your faith, your walk with God, your future, and your sanity.

Thanks Daniel for a bit dangerous, totally unpredictable, totally legal and unforgettable 5 days in SW Colorado.

Dan

It was totally my fault, as I hit a fairly stationary curb.

NO – this isn’t a picture of my wreck. I put this one in so that the owner of the Ford I did wreck would maybe think, “Hey, at least it wasn’t that bad.”

Today HAD to be perfect. It was our first day bringing kids to Glorieta Camp for our first year. I was chosen to drive someone else’s car – as it sat more kids – to help bring the kids to camp.

I was on my way to the office to pick the kids up, adjusting the mirrors, the seat, the radio, getting use to things.

Somehow, I’ve no idea how, the curb jumped out of the right hand lane and hit the front passenger’s side tire.

Ugh! I felt sick. I figured it must have blown the tire, as the steering wheel went weird. It would be embarrassing to call and let everyone know why I was going to be late, so I was hoping to jump out and change the tire ASAP. I’d have to buy a tire and talk to the owners later, but that was doable. Unfortunately, it was worse than I thought.

When I tried to get off to the side of the road the Ford Explorer wouldn’t move.

I got out. The tire looked fine.

I looked closer. The wheel looked fine.

All I knew was that things must be worse than I thought.

Upon looking closer yet, I saw that the axle had popped out of the transmission. Double Ugh. I asked myself, “myself” I asked, How could the axle fall out from hitting a curb?”

It was worse than I thought.

The lower control arm had broken. If you don’t know what that is, it’s bad. But it was about to get worse.

I had to call Sue, our Children’s Director and let her know that the kids waiting for me weren’t getting their ride. She wanted to know why. I wanted to answer. “You see Sue, there was this semi that ran me off the road into a curb.” I so wanted to lie. Thankfully, Sue had an emergency list of other drivers and cars. Go Sue! But for me it was only going to get worse.

I was hopelessly stuck in the middle lane, with speeding cars on Southern Blvd weaving around me. A passer-by called the cops to help direct traffic. I called AAA. No one hit me. But I had another call to make. To the owner of the car.

Clay the owner was more understanding than I might have been, and it was great to have that call behind me. But, I still had an hour to wait for the wrecker. Plenty of time for things to get worse.

When you do something exceedingly stupid, wouldn’t you like to do it in solitude? Southern Blvd is not a street of solitude.

Enough neighbors and church folks either saw me and/or stopped to try to help that I figured I’d better get this out there. People are starting to call. Ugh.

I’m not sure what was hurt more. The Ford or my pride.

Sure hope this doesn’t get worse.

Humbly, Dan

Not that I’m a bad sick person, but…

Friday-Sunday I would have swore I got hit with an experimental nano-virus made up of millions of cat-like rabid living razor blades using my throat as a scratching post.

Late Sunday the head was still congested and in pain, and I was coughing up all kinds of nasty stuff – but the throat didn’t hurt as bad when I did it. I figure I’m on the mend. Then came last night.

I wake up at 4am with nasty chills and a churning gut. I put on every blanket I can find (sleeping on the sofa) and shiver while the dog watches. Then at 5 I was in total disbelief.

And I run into the bathroom to start throwing-up. What evil virus goes from a head cold to vomiting? I hate throwing up.

I stagger back to the sofa and huddle under 50lbs of blankets and try to forget about the last half hour. That’s when the dog scratches to go outside. “Forget you” I think. Wrong.

Next thing I know the dog is making those heaving sounds by the door.

I shiver my way to the door and the dog goes outside and vomits. Sympathy throw up?

I hate this, not that I’m a bad sick person.

John Shuck, a Presbyterian pastor, doesn’t believe in the God of the Bible. And yet, he claims to be a Christian. Which makes me wonder, “What is a Christian?”

He wrote on an atheist website what he does believe. It goes like this, in his words:

• “Religion is a human construct
• The symbols of faith are products of human cultural evolution
• Jesus may have been an historical figure, but most of what we know about him is in the form of legend
• God is a symbol of myth-making and not credible as a supernatural being or force
• The Bible is a human product as opposed to special revelation from a divine being
• Human consciousness is the result of natural selection, so there’s no afterlife”

OK, everyone has a right to their own beliefs. But, if you don’t believe in the Bible, or God, or Jesus or an afterlife, why would you want to be a pastor? Why would you want to be called a Christian? I don’t get it. Besides, this would take ALL the fun out of the Bible Stories. The Bible is just… boring fake stories then. He goes on to write:

“In short, I regard the symbols of Christianity from a non-supernatural point of view. And yet, even though I hold those beliefs, I am still a proud minister. But I don’t appreciate being told that I’m not truly a Christian.”

I like writing Bizarre Bible Stories much more than Bizarre Pastor Stories.

John Calvin, of Presbyterian fame, must be rolling over in his grave. But no, there IS an afterlife.

Could John be shouting obscenities down from heaven? Is that allowed? No?

Curiosity being what it is, I wondered what a normal Sunday service must be like at the church where he is pastor. What do they read if the Bible is only a legend? It seems like any “good book” would do. What do they sing about if there is no Amazing Grace? Personally, I’d miss Bohemian Rhapsody – my assumption it’s banned since it’s about the afterlife. But we don’t sing Queen often in our church anyway. Back on topic – they are active in social reforms, and there is still an operation to oversee, so they must have an offering. Is that what makes it “Christian?” I sure hope not. He gives a hint what his church is like when he writes,

“Someone quipped that my congregation is BYOG: Bring Your Own God. I use that and invite people to “bring their own God” — or none at all. While the symbol “God” is part of our cultural tradition, you can take it or leave it or redefine it to your liking. That permission to be theological do-it-yourselfers is at the heart of belief-less Christianity.”

The thing is, it isn’t belief-less. It’s belief-different. Not believing in an afterlife means you believe there are no eternal rewards or justice for your actions. Not believing in a divine authority means you believe you are your own authority. My kids would have loved that.

Bring Your Own God is curiously close to the lie the serpent told Eve, “You will be like God.”

Same preaching, different preacher.

It’s the same lie. Spread it if you want – shoot most of the planet probably agrees – but why from the pulpit of a Presbyterian church?

That word “Christian.” I do not think it means what you think it means.