I Literally Feel Like This Chair

The above picture and caption/title were recently posted by our daughter Amanda on Facebook. This is a very different blog for me. It’s about Amanda’s cancer, and a call I made to her husband Jake. I wrote it hoping the journal ChristianityToday/Pastors will print it for Jake, so I wrote it with that in mind. If you have improvements, please send them my way. Here we go…

I didn’t plan on being a pastor, and parts of it still terrify me. Hospital visits have never been my forte. I’m a strong believer that God made skin to keep stuff in, and I’d just as soon keep it that way.

I fainted at the birth of our first child.

Don’t judge me.

It wasn’t until years into this job that I realized what a privilege it is to be with families in hurting times. Now I’ve been with families through more hard times, healings and deaths than I can count. But I think I’ve still missed much of what folks are going through.

That’s until my daughter got cancer.

Our daughter and family live about 12 hours away, outside of Austin. A couple weeks into her diagnosis I realized that while we had been talking to our daughter Amanda, we had not talked with her husband, Jake. So, I gave him a call.

I should have called sooner.

He had plenty to say, including some suggestions for churches helping others in his situation. I asked him to write it all down. I had some thoughts of my own, so I’ll put his words in italics and my thoughts in normal type.

Jake’s Story

In late July Amanda texted me at work. “You ready for this?” she asked

“Yes?” I replied.

“My mole was Melanoma.”

I paused for a second as I tried to remember what Melanoma was. I couldn’t remember. I quickly googled it… CANCER was the first word I saw.

We talked for bit. I asked her every question I could think of. She had no answers yet. For the moment, the dermatologist knew no more than us. All he knew was that the mole had melanoma (cancer) cells in it. And so, he referred us to a Surgical Oncologist.

Those were two weeks of Hell. With no other facts, melanoma removed all hope for life. We had no idea if it had traveled from her foot to another part of her body, and that lack of information was the fuel that kept our minds racing. We didn’t sleep well, we were short with our kids, we were terrified. Mostly I was planning for the worst possible scenario. Sometimes I dared hope for the best.

After two weeks the medical oncologist informed us that the melanoma-laced mole was cause for concern due to its size. The mole was slightly smaller than a dime, so it didn’t seem like a big deal to me. But it was. The doctor told us she was going to first cut a circle out around the melanoma site, then take a lymph node from Amanda’s upper thigh, and finally place a skin graft on top of the melanoma site to help it heal. Amanda was on board, so we set a date for surgery.

On August 10, 2022, at 7am we were at the hospital prepping for surgery. They took us to a room to get Amanda in a gown and rest prior to surgery. Then they ran us through a number of doctors who mostly asked Amanda a series of questions about the upcoming surgery. Finally, the anesthesiologist came in, gave Amanda some sedatives, and took her back.

There’s not much to do in a hospital room. I played some games on my phone, walked to get lunch, and just waited. Thankfully, the surgery only lasted around three hours. I was thankful that Amanda seemed to be in very little pain. In fact, what she first asked for was her morning coffee (even though it was now 12:30pm). Once we checked out of the hospital, I wondered if she could be hungry. “You know, we are close to a Chipotle.” I said. “YES! THAT! THAT’S WHAT I WANT!”

1: Celebrate plateaus with the family

Here is something I (Dan) learned from a friend. With cancer there is no final healing short of glory. There is always another scan. Even in remission, like so many diseases you have to keep tab on things. So, celebrate the plateaus. It’s a break. It’s good news. Don’t look to the future and become a false prophet. Just sit back and celebrate.

In the hour drive home, we updated everyone we needed to update. I created a messenger group of all the people that knew Amanda was having surgery for melanoma, including our prayer team. By the time we got home, and we were so relieved the surgery was! As Amanda went to lay down and sleep off all the pain killers, I had additional responsibilities.

We have 4 small kids who had no idea what was going on with mom. And they didn’t know why their “JoJo”(Amanda’s mom) was there to help take care of them. So, I let Amanda rest and went to engage with my kids. I was so exhausted. The burden of surgery is a lot–it’s a lot for a whole family. Reading James was helpful, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12 ESV

Much has happened since that date. There was cancer in one of the lymph nodes they removed, making this a stage three cancer. Amanda later had a PET scan that came out clear, but the scanziety (a word I picked up from a cancer friend) made for another hellacious week. We’ve been to MD Anderson in Houston and are starting immunotherapy.

Now that we are being “cared for,” instead of “caring for” others, here are some things I thought of that could help if the church just knew of them.

2: Pray. Then pray again.

And pray some more. Let God hear your voice. The Creator of the Universe. The One that holds it all together without tiring. When dealing with cancer it’s helpful to remember that God is the only one that can fully heal anyone.

The church can pray for understanding, peace, blessings, healing, and for God to be glorified. We still want to understand how God is using us in this time. We need daily peace knowing that God is still here with us through it all. We want to be a blessing to others as we walk through cancer. We want Amanda’s body to be cancer free. And we want God to be glorified in it all. We would not have woken up today if it weren’t for His grace.

Additionally, we want the doctors and nurses to fully understand what cancer Amanda has and where it all is. We want them to be at peace with giving the care she needs to help fight it. We want them to know how much of a blessing they are to us. We pray God uses them as a vessel to heal Amanda. And we pray they give God all the glory for it.

“All our perils are nothing, so long as we have prayer.” — Charles Spurgeon

3: Check in. And check in again.

Text, Email, or Facebook Messenger are great ways to ask questions of the family. For us calling was less intrusive after 5 days of being home after surgery. Text and wait. Don’t expect a quick reply. Text the caregiver and not the person directly. Like I mentioned earlier, we had a running messenger group that we continually added people to who wanted to know how Amanda was doing. Get added to that group. You can even create that group.

What do you ask the caregiver? Ask about their kids and how they’re doing. Do they have help, like a family member staying with them? “I’d love to be praying for you, is there a prayer chain chat that we get updated on?” “Do you need help with anything?” “Can we pick up your groceries?” “Can we come clean your house?” “Can we mow your lawn?” (YES, Mowing the lawn would be great!!!!)

Our late Pastor Matt Netzer in his sermon on Hospitality said, “if you don’t say what you need help with, how can we effectively help you?” I didn’t tell anyone that I needed help with mowing the lawn. So what happened? It became overgrown, and we got a warning from the city. Comical, really, but no one knew we needed help in that way. By God’s grace, he sent a kid just starting his lawn business to my house and he cut my lawn.

4: Consider a point person

At our church, and yours may be similar, we have someone who oversees meals for those who need it, and we have small group leaders and pastors who visit. But sometimes if you are the family in need, you don’t want a meal tonight, you just want to be left alone with Chili’s mac and cheese. Or maybe you need the lawn mowed but feel funny asking. Having a “point person” who is a good friend of the family in need to be the go-between can be a real help. They can say things bluntly, like, “kale casseroles give their youngest a lip fungus,” or, “I was there last week and the yard is a mess, do we have someone who can mow it?” and it makes for a bit of a buffer.

5: Food, just no kale casseroles

Sometimes the greatest practical help could be the inevitable Meal Train. I will tell you though, as a giver, it is hard to be on the receiving end. I don’t want anyone to think I’m bashing them or being ungrateful, but sometimes it’s not the best night for a meal from someone else. There are times when I’m stressed, and I just want to eat fat food. (That’s not a typo). I want my fat food!

When we have friends over to our house for dinner, we usually ask something like, “do you like (insert food here)?” And it’s that person’s responsibility to be honest and let us know if they do or not like the food. The meal train could ask what their top 5 foods are. What are their favorite restaurants? Do they have any food allergies in the house? Are the kids really picky? Or simply, “what are your comfort foods?” “Is there something the person is craving?”

I was contacted through Facebook a little while ago from a “point person” who was helping a friend undergoing similar surgery. They were getting people put money on a Grub Hub for them. What a cool idea—then they can eat what and when they want. And you can get folks to sign up through Facebook or email or whatever, which can get more folks involved.

6: Check in on the spouse:

Please remember to check on the spouse. I know I need to talk things through with people. When I process internally, I come to irrational conclusions. Thankfully, my elders and pastors have been in contact with me daily. They ask me questions like: How are you holding up? Are you sleeping? What was yesterday like? Did anything crazy happen?

It’s also wise to ask the patient what they might see the spouse needing to avoid that which is unhealthy. One of Amanda’s major concerns was that I would work long hours to pay all the bills we just accrued. She has also mentioned my horrible sleep schedule! How can I sleep when I have 1,000 scenarios to run through my head?

In short, make sure that the spouse has a solid care team as well. They need the mental fortitude that comes from these relationships to get through cancer.

7: Do a financial check in:

This journey has just started for us, and already we’ve had four thousand dollars in deductibles to meet; fifty dollars per visit co-pays to pay; gas to and from these appointments; medicine copays; and numerous other expenses. Over the last month-and-a half Amanda’s cancer has cost us upwards of $6,000. We in no way could have done that on our own. God provided family and friends that donated to meet these costs. Praise God!

Our next step is immunotherapy, which will entail even more financial hardship, more time off from work, more babysitters, and less time with the family.

Cancer doesn’t just effect one person’s body; it riddles all with whom it is associated. It disrupts life itself. It takes people away from time with their family. It takes away time from work where they make their money to provide for their family. It robs you by being the first thought of the day. Cancer becomes thought that every other thought is countered with or compared to. Unfortunately, that will probably never go away.

What a privilege it is to be with families in hurting times.

Even if you faint in the hospital room.

Advertisement

Why Cancer?

child-cancer

In July of 2012 I was speaking at a 5th – 6th grade summer camp. The first night I asked all the kids to write down a question for God and to hand it in. One girl, Kristina Rae Barrett wrote, “Dear God, Why did you give me cancer?”

I knew Kristina’s dad since he was in my youth group back in ’85. Kristina inherited his spunk, love of life, and incomprehensibly deep faith. Actually, I think she passed dad up, telling him at one point, “If this is God’s plan for me, then I accept it.”

Kristina Rae Barrett, May 30, 2002 – June 21, 2014.

The book was also completed in June, 2014. Her question was the motivating factor for the book, and the focus of the first story. All profit (billions, I’m sure) from Bizarre Bible Stories 2! Go to the Children’s Cancer Recovery Foundation – Helping Hands Fund. this fund. The fund was her dad’s suggestion, as it had helped them over the years.

There are endless names connected to childhood cancer, but I can’t leave this blog without also mentioning Macen Holderman, who went to be with Jesus on September 27, 2016, at the age of 17. He was a ton of fun, I am sure he still is, but one of my favorite stories is when he was waiting in the hospital. One of his legs had been amputated, and as usual he was playing with his prosthetic. A shocked younger kid came up and asked him what happened. Macen answered something like, “I can’t tell you. But I can tell you,  NEVER disobey your parents.”

Why Cancer? I don’t know. I do know the attack on children and their parents seems to be especially brutal.  I know it is the result of sin, and as such we need to fight it. I hope you can help.

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Sure Hope This Is Legal

J Cole Article Published in Stanford Journal for Public Health_Page_1.jpg

My friend Cole Holderman is at Stanford – and was published in The Stanford Journal of Public Health for this very personal article on siblings dealing with childhood cancer. It is an amazing combination of good research and personal experience. I downloaded the article, converted it to a word doc, and pasted it below, so i hope Stanford doesn’t care. The pictured didn’t convert. Mostly, I hope this helps us do a better job caring for others in the future. Here we go…

 

Their New Normal: How We Can Help Siblings Thrive in the World of Pediatric Mortality

Jacob C. Holderman

Since the time paper was first written, my brother has passed away of complications related to pneumonia. Macen Clay Holderman passed away at 2:45 p.m. on the 27th of September.

My Brother Macen

My brother Macen was always a bit of a whiner, so nobody thought anything of it when he started com- plainingaboutapaininhislegtheearlywinterof 2014. It was probably just an excuse to skip soccer and play more Call of Duty with friends. Sure, this excuse had lasted a bit longer than others, but we reasoned his of- ten complained about “growing pains” were nothing to worry about. After he had been limping for about a month, my concerned parents finally decided that this pain might be something more serious, perhaps a tornligament.Theirconcernturnedouttobejustified.

Macen was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, an ag- gressive form of bone cancer, on April 15th of 2014 at Denver Children’s Hospital in Colorado. At the point of diagnosis, the cancerous, bony tumors, which originally started in the left knee, had spread to my brother’s lungs, and though his doctors saw little rea- son to quote what they referred to as ‘meaningless statistics,’ I looked up the survival rate for metastic osteosarcoma on St. Jude’s Research Hospital’s web- site. His diagnosis carried about a 30% survival rate at 5 years (St. Jude, 1). The doctors at Denver Chil- dren’s explained that my brother and our family had a rough fight ahead of us. Treatments for my brother would involve five different types of chemotherapy, a modified amputation of his left leg known as a ro- tationplasty, a lung surgery known as a lobectomy, and an intermittent trip of almost 500 miles between Denver Children’s (where surgeries and new treat- ments would be performed) and our home in Albu- querque, New Mexico. Despite these challenges, my brother’s medical team was confident in Macen’s strength,  and  his  ability  to  overcome  this  disease.

Treatment  was  hard  on  both  my  brother  and  the

 

My brother Macen Clay Holderman, driving his Jeep using a modified sling to hold his leg up.

rest of our family. Through the next two years we would work to stay strong despite the constant fear, stress, and anxiety that my brother’s disease caused all of us. In the autumn of that year my brother had a rotationplasty performed to remove a tumor, and just a few months later Macen had two lobes of his lungs (and about 60 tumors) removed by surgeons in Denver. During treatment, my brother lost all of his hair, became increasingly weak and sick, and completely changed in personality. Some days, he was braver, stronger, and more compassionate than anyone else I have ever known. Other days he was reclusive and petulant, clearly exhausted by the te- dious and painful treatments he  was  undergoing. For my part I began to drift away from my family, and

 

 

 

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the better part of my senior year of high school was spent hiding away from my home in coffee shops, pretending my constant studying wasn’t some coping mechanism designed to hide my anxiety and growing dread from my siblings and parents.

The Weight of Childhood Death

A professional photograph of my family, taken right before my brother began treatment for osteosarcoma.

 

The story of Macen and the rest of my family is far from unique. From genetic disorders to aggressive cancers, terminal pediatric illnesses and high mor- tality diseases affect thousands of children and their families every year. The CDC’s“National Vital Statistics Report” lists “congenital malformations, deforma- tions and chromosomal abnormalities” as a leading cause of death for children under the age of 5, and childhood cancer as a leading cause of death for chil- dren between the ages of 5-18 (Xu, et al). For many of these diseases, curative treatments are not available, and patients have no or very little hope of recovery. Watching as a sibling or child suffers through these diseases and coming to terms with the fact that this loved one will likely die is a shattering and traumatic process. Terminal pediatric illnesses often leave many families unable to cope with the loss as siblings lose one of the closest emotional connections of their ear- ly lives and parents risk losing “basic aspects of a par- ent’s identity” (Edelstein qtd. in Buckle and Fleming, 1). Furthermore, parents may be unable to care com- petentlyfortheirotherchildren, furtherincreasingthe burden on siblings of children with pediatric diseases.

What set my family’s story apart during my brother’s struggle with cancer was the immense support and care that we received from our church and local com- munities. Through a network of friends, churches, and relatives we received prayers, fundraising, and support from  literally  thousands  of  people.  When a difficult treatment period arose, our church orga- nized meals to be brought to our house. When my brother had trouble with stairs after his rotation- plasty, friends helped to build a bedroom  on  the first floor of our two-story house. When the family had to travel yet again to Denver, people donated us their spare airline miles and extra tickets. The outpouring of concrete support  to  my  family  was an amazing and constant wellspring of hope that pushed us through tough times, especially keeping my parents going as they fought for their son’s life.

Though, in general, support is available for most fam- ilies dealing with high risk pediatric diseases, issues of the family are often rightfully dwarfed by weight of the patient’s own trauma. From groups of fami- lies struggling with similar illnesses I’ve learned that, while not unheard of, the level of support my fam- ily received from the point of my brother’s diagno- sis onward is quite rare. Many families do not have the strong communities that my family relied on, a deficiency that can be quite damaging to families dealing with and recovering from pediatric illness. In the book, Family-Centered Psychosocial Care in Pe- diatric Oncology, authors and clinicians Lory Weiner and Maryland Pao discuss both the importance of the family in pediatric care and the lack of support often given to families in these critical situations. They argue that family members, especially siblings, experience many of the same psychological reac- tions to a cancer diagnosis as the patient does, and therefore need support for these symptoms (Weiner and Pao, 1). However, the current support for fami- lies dealing with high risk pediatric illness is generally insufficient for allowing families to heal, recover, and eventually thrive in the wake of devastating illnesses and the loss of a child. Distancing of families from support structures, a lack of consensus on therapies for family recovery, and the high visibility of the pa- tient’s illness all culminate to negatively impact fami- lies experiencing the death of a child. To better serve these families, effective strategies for helping them

 

 

 

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A collage of people supporting my brother. Many of them are wearing T-shirts saying “Praying for Macen.”

 

 

through their grief need to be  developed, agreed   upon,   refined,   and   put   into   practice.

Anticipatory Grieving

In findingthebestwaystoguidefamiliesthroughtheir grief, it is helpful to delineate the pattern that griev- ing for a terminally ill loved one typically follows. In her book, When a Brother or Sister Dies Clair Berman, herself a survivor of the death of a sibling, summariz- es the process of grieving as experienced by children she has interviewed. “They grieve when they learn of the condition, they grieve as the illness progresses and when the patient regresses they grieve anew when death claims its victim.” (31) Berman delineates here the difference between the grieving that hap- pens before the death of a patient and the grieving

that follows that death. In what she calls “anticipa- tory grieving,” Berman states that siblings and other family members “live in the shadow of death,” (32) constantly “bargaining” (32) for more time with their loved one while simultaneously and subconsciously making attempts to distance themselves from their loved one. These reactions to terminal illness present barriers to families trying to make the most of their remaining time with the patient, as well as to the ability of families to remain stable in the face of their loved one’s disease. These challenges include siblings’ inability to appreciate their own problems in light of the overwhelming “world of war” and “medical crisis” that is overtaking the lives of their brother or sister. As one surviving sibling remarked, the everyday, normal

 

 

 

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struggles of her life were“just not up there on the list of priorities” (Berman, 34). As parents, extended fam- ily, and friends cluster around the affected child, sib- lings can feel increasingly marginalized, with serious deleterious effects to their academics, health, and their relationship with their siblings. With regards to academics, a study by Barbara L. Wolfe of the Univer- sity of Wisconsin-Madison titled “School Outcomes of Chronically Ill Children and Their Siblings: A Mul- tivariate Approach” found that, among other things, children with chronically ill siblings saw reductions in metrics like attendance, test scores, and even IQ over the course of their sibling’s illness (Wolfe, 6). The report hypothesizes that these effects are due to the reduced attention afforded to these children by their parents, who become more concerned about the illness their other child is battling (Wolfe, 11).

As someone who is currently experiencing the fall- out of a terminally-ill sibling, and after reviewing in- terviews of many in the same position, it seems that almost nothing besides cursory grief counseling is being done to alleviate the effects that a terminal- ly-ill child has on their siblings during the illness. Claire Berman recommends that extended family and close friends take time to discuss with siblings of terminally-ill patients the problems that they are going through, instead of the status of their brother or sister (35). She also advocates guiding children in developing identities outside of being a  sibling  to the dying child, such as recognizing their talents, or future aspirations. These social interventions could be suggested by medical care staff,  religious  lead- ers, or grief counselors, and when paired with tradi- tional grief counseling (usually discussions about the process of grieving and the deceased) these mea- sures could be simple and  effective  ways  of  guid- ing these children through the loss of their siblings.

A further supplement in assisting siblings of termi- nally ill children during their brother or sister’s illness is to provide financial or logistical help to parents of these children. Worries about planning trips to hos- pitals, family finances, and even things like cooking and cleaning can distract parents from taking proper care of their unaffected children. Organizations like the American Cancer Association, Relay for Life, and small community organizations such as local church- es all currently offer these services. Along with this,

options for respite care, professional care of an ill- patient that provides temporary respite for the pri- mary caregiver, are both useful in allowing parents to spend time with their other children, and are provided by many non-profit  and government organizations.

Cancer’s Reemergence

My brother had a lobectomy on the 14th of August, 2014, removing 65 tumors  from  his  lungs. Though he was theoretically free of cancer at this point, he was kept on chemotherapy until March 18th to kill any small cancer cells that had managed to escape detection. After his treatment had ended, bone scans revealed that my brother was free from can- cer, and we celebrated his new designation as be- ing NED (a patient with No Evidence of the Disease). Although  Osteosarcoma  often  comes  back  after this designation is given, we were hopeful that Ma- cen’s battle with cancer was over, and we looked forward to his reintegration into school, and his continually growing proficiency with his prosthetic.

The return to normalcy, however, was not long lived. On December 6th, 2015, a little over a year from his lung surgery, a routine scan found four masses in my brother’s lungs. He quickly had the tumors removed in another lung surgery similar to the first, and was start- edonaclinicaltrialusingimmunotherapytoattackhis tumors. After another bone scan showed continued growth of his tumors, my brother was removed from the trial. He is now undergoing chemotherapy and radiation therapy for tumors in his spine, arm, liver, and lungs. Although we remain hopeful for his recov- ery, the treatments remain effective, and his doctors have not classified him as terminal, I remain aware of the ever-growing odds against my brother’s survival. When       to       Hope,       and      When       to       Plan

Asachild’sillnessprogressesinseverity,theissuearises as to the degree to which hope should be encouraged in parents and siblings. Hope is an important rallying tool, andhopefor“beatingthedisease”canbringgreat strength to patients, care staff, and the family unit. However, unreasonable hope can prevent parents, caregivers, and siblings, for preparing properly, emo- tionally and logistically, for the worst-case scenario.

I currently face a similar dilemma with my brother Macen.  There  is  no  curative  treatment  option  for

 

 

 

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the extent to which his disease has  manifested, and it is likely he will not live another five years. Though his illness is  not  terminal,  and  my  fam- ily continues to keep hope alive, I constantly won- der if it is the right time is to prepare myself for the worst, while simultaneously feeling fully the guilt of being unable to see his healing as a possibility.

This sentiment is echoed in the interactive piece That Dragon, Cancer a first-person  exploration  of the struggle of creators Ryan and Amy Green expe- rienced as their son Joel struggled with, and eventu- ally died from terminal brain cancer. Like my family, the Greens were and are deeply religious Christians, and like my family, they drew hope and comfort from their religious beliefs. Ryan and Amy faced a dis- agreement in facing Joel’s disease; Amy held hope until the end of Joel’s life that he would delivered miraculous healing by  God,  while  Ryan  demanded to feel fully the impending death of his child with- out the softening of groundless hope. While both parents maintained the overall hope that their son Joel would continue on to a better place in heav- en (a belief that I happen to share about my own brother) which certainly brought a measure of com- fort, Ryan rejected the tenuous hope for miracles in favor of dealing directly with the emotions of loss, whereas Amy clung to hope for healing  as  a  sup- port in Joel’s last days. The work as a whole acutely brings into perspective the ability for such hope to lend strength to families in times of need, and solid- ify a family narrative around a theme of hope, even while coming to terms with impending destruction.

Support for hope as a coping mechanism has been echoed in the medical community. The American Academy of Pediatric Practices official guidelines on Palliative care, outlined in the journal piece“Palliative Care for Children,” suggest that “continued hope for a cure, no matter how unlikely, may be an important coping mechanism” for parents and siblings dealing with pediatric terminal illness.1 Both Claire Berman in her book Losing a Brother or Sister and Jennifer Buckle and Stephen J. Fleming in their book Parent- ing After the Death of Child cite beliefs about the af- terlife and religious beliefs in general as useful tools in dealing with the after effects of death. Generally, it seems that hopeful outlooks on the fates of deceased children should be encouraged, though there is not

enough evidence to ascertain whether it is helpful for parents to hold out continued hope for miraculous healing regardless of the odds of their child’s recovery.

Grieving After Death

Arguable the most acute stage of grieving for a loved one is in the days and weeks directly after they have died. Family members, especially siblings of the de- ceased, can be aimless, emotionally unstable, and afraid for their own safety in the conclusion of a pe- diatric terminal illness. As an article from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network points out, children in these situations can even show reactions not eas- ily recognizable as grief.“For example, a quiet toddler may have more tantrums, an active child may lose in- terest in things he or she used to do, or a studious teen may engage in risky behavior.” In addition to these personality disturbances, children may also develop a more intense reaction known as Childhood Trau- matic Grief, defined by a pilot study as“A condition in which trauma symptoms impinge on the child’s abil- ity to successfully address the normal tasks of griev- ing” (Cohen, 1). Though this disorder is not Post Trau- matic Stress disorder, it does carry many of the same symptoms including, “reliving aspects of the person’s death,”“avoiding reminders of the death or of the per- son who died,” and “increased arousal and anxiety.”

Though feeling saddened and temporarily depressed by the loss of a loved one is normal in childhood, many children and teens do not have the ability to mentally or emotionally process the death of a sibling, especial- ly as a result of terminal disease. If left unaddressed, problems resulting from this bereavement and Child- hood Traumatic Grief can lead to children disassoci- ating from their families, leaving communities that previously had offered them support,  or  becom- ing emotionally stunted as they grow to adulthood.

Currently most sibling grief after  pediatric  termi- nal illness is considered normal unless some visible problem manifests. When a sibling’s grief is recog- nized as problematic, interventions of traditional psychotherapy, such as mindfulness-based cognitive behavior therapy, are used to address problems of behavior, though often times other issues are written off or left untreated. Pilot studies, like the one con- ducted by researcher J. A. Cohens, have shown great

 

 

 

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success using cognitive behavior therapy coupled with joint therapy sessions. These therapies involve both parents and their children, and can lead to sig- nificant improvement in the symptoms of childhood traumatic grief, as well as improvement in symptoms of anxiety and depression also present. In addition to these therapies, organizations like the National Child Traumatic Stress network recommend that parents talk often to their children about the deceased sib- ling, and monitor them carefully for the signs of Child- hood Traumatic Grief mentioned above. It should be noted, as Jennifer Buckle and Steven J. Fleming write in their book Parenting after the Death of a Child, that parents may also enter a “numb survival” after the death of a child that can make this form of sup- port difficult or impossible for them to provide (35). Monitoring the psychological health of the parents following the death of a child is also imperative to the health of their children. The number of siblings treated after the death of a child for Childhood Trau- matic Grief must be expanded as caregivers, commu- nity members, and hospital staff become trained in better recognizing its symptoms, and more research needs to be done into the efficacies of certain psy- chological treatments in alleviating the symptoms of this disorder. Looking Forward and Moving on

After the initial pangs of loss set in following the death of a sibling, the greater challenge faced by survivors is learning to live without their brother or sister, but while keeping present their memory and legacy. In the aftermath of the death of a child, the entire struc- ture of the family unit is tested. Roles that were filled by a departed sibling may fall to another child or be discarded (102-103 Buckle). Parents and siblings alike may feel that the deceased is being forgotten, or left behind by the family. This feeling of losing a connec- tion with the deceased must be metered with a real and urgent need to move out of the shadow of grief and onward into life. At one extreme a family loses its identity as it tries to forget about the lost child, and at the other a family remains paralyzed by fear and loss, threatening the autonomy and function of the parents, and the emotional development of the sib- lings. Families must strike a healthy balance between these two poles to successfully overcome their grief.

Siblings themselves face a number of unique prob- lems in the wake of losing their brother or sister. As

noted in the article from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, siblingscanface“survivor’sguiltabout being alive,” intense regrets about things they did or said to the deceased child, doubts about worldviews, and even personal and irrational blame for the death of their brother or sister. Moving forward children also must reformat their identity, both moving away from association with the deceased, and incorporat- ing ideals and images that their sibling represented.

Inthebook, Parentingafterthe Deathofa Child, Jenni- fer L. Buckle and Stephen J. Fleming argue that “pick- ing up the pieces of the family requires regenerating the relationship with the deceased child in new terms” rather than simply moving on from it. Claire Berman, author of the book When a Brother or Sister Dies, sim- ilarly advocates that siblings and parents find ways to carry on the legacy of the deceased, such as orga- nizing blood drives, scholarships, or charities in the name of their departed loved one (114). Berman also advises that families hold onto their deceased loved ones by making scrapbooks, mementos, and other “tangible connections” (113). In all Berman views the role of the mourning family not so much as to func- tion without the deceased, but rather to incorporate the deceased’s goals and memory into their own lives.

As a society, we need to provide the guidance and re- sources children and families need to regenerate their relationships with the deceased. Grief counselors, medical staff, and community leaders need to incor- porate remembrance ceremonies and guidance re- gardinglegacyworkinthenameofthedeceasedchild into the outreach they provide siblings and families, turning a tragedy into a lasting legacy that can keep the memory of the deceased child alive, and the rela- tionship between the family and the deceased intact.

Bringing it Home

The question of how to revive  a  family  following the death of a child is one that has been with hu- manity since before we were human. The family is the strongest unit of social cohesion, and while this lends it resiliency, it also means that its failures can impact each of the individual members of the fam- ily in a very serious way. For many, especially as we grow up, family forms the base unit of our identity, a constant place of love and security when it seems all

 

 

 

EXPERIENCE   56

 

the world is a dangerous place, and because of that, death intrudes on the family in a way nothing else can. The death of a sibling shatters assumptions of belief, safety, and prosperity. It is an all-out assault on the identity of the sibling, on the identity of the par- ent, and on the idea that “everything will be all right.”

As a society and as a community, we owe it to our- selves and to each other to provide guidance and support through adversity as shattering as that pro- vided by pediatric terminal illness. Those in the clergy and in other positions of leadership in the community have the duty to rally physical and emotional support to families in danger of collapse from these threats. Members of the medical community have a commit-

ment to the health and wellbeing of their patients, and a duty towards monitoring and guiding the fam- ilies of their patients comes with that commitment. Psychologists and counselors have a duty to listen to parents and siblings struggling with the grief before, during, and after the death of a child as well as a duty to provide guidance to those attempting to resolve the connections to their lost loved ones. As a society, as a larger family, we must provide the scaffolding and structure parents and siblings need to restruc- ture, regenerate, and reform their lives in the wake of the pediatric illness. We must enable them to live.

 

 

 

References

American Academy of Pediatric Practice. “Palliative Care for Children.” Pediatrics 106.2 (2000): 351-357. Print.

 

Berman, Clair. When a Brother or Sister Dies. Westport, CT: Praeger, 2009. Print. Buckle, Jennifer L. and Stephen J. Fleming. Parenting After the Death of a Child: A Practitioner’s Guide. New York: Taylor & Francis Group, 2011. Print.

 

Cohen JA, Mannarino AP, Deblinger E (2006) Treating Trauma and Traumatic Grief in Children and Adolescents. New York, NY: Guilford Press. Print.

 

Kim, Jew. The Holderman Family. 2014.  Albuquerque, New Mexico. Digital Photograph

 

National Child Traumatic Stress Network Child Traumatic Grief Committee. (2009). Sibling Loss Fact Sheet Sibling Death and Childhood Traumatic Grief: Information for Families.   Los Angeles, CA & Durham, NC: National Center for Child Traumatic Stress. Web. 5 June, 2016. http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/ pdfs/Sibling_Loss_Final.pdf

 

Osteosarcoma. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, 2016. Web. 4 Apr. 2008. https://www.stjude.org/osteosarcoma.

That Dragon, Cancer. Numinous Games. 2016. Print.

 

Weiner, Lori and Maryland Pao. Comprehensive and Family-Centered Psycho- social Care in Pediatric Oncology: Integration of Clinical Practice and Research. Chichester, UK: John Wiley and Sons, 2012. Wiley Online Library. Web. 12 May 2016

 

Wolfe, Barbara L. School Outcomes of Chronically Ill Children and their Siblings: A Multivariate Approach. Stanford, CA: School of Education, Stanford University. Print. B1-B6.

 

Xu, Jiaquan, et al. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. National Vital Statics Report Deaths: Final Data for 2013. Hyattsville, MD: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. February 16, 2016. Web. 12 May 2016. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr64/nvsr64_02.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

57   EXPERIENCE

Buy a Book, Help a Family Battling Cancer

Christina (2)Dear God, why did you give me cancer?

Chad was in my youth group back in the 80s. In the summer of 2013 his daughter Kristina wrote me a note with that question. I tried to give an answer in Bizarre 2!, but fell short. One day I’ll see her again, and she can show me her mansion and introduce me to Jesus who will answer the question with depth. She went to heaven June 21, 2014.

Meanwhile, I’d like to live with some of the grace she showed throughout her life.

When Kristina was diagnosed, Helping Hands, a division of The Children’s Cancer Recovery Foundation, walked with the family through some incredibly difficult times. It seems logical then, that all of the profits of Bizarre Bible Stories 2! should go directly to Helping Hands. It really is fun to give this way, you don’t notice the money you never had. I know they will use the funds better than I would, and this way I’m not tempted when the Jeep catalogs come in.

So, Buy a Book, Help a Family Battling Cancer.

After my publisher, Heritage Builders, got in touch with Greg Anderson, the founder and CEO of Cancer Recovery Foundation International, he sent me this kind, very gracious letter. Makes me realize it’s one of my best decisions ever. Here is part of the letter…

Dear Pastor Cooley,

Growing up Lutheran in rural Iowa, I was taught the definition of grace was God’s unmerited goodness.  If ever there was a perfect example of grace, your donation of royalties to Children’s Cancer Recovery Foundation is it.  Thank you.  We gratefully accept. 

Even with good health insurance, the downward financial spiral of families dealing with childhood cancer is ubiquitous.  It’s the combination of increased medical expenses like co-pays, travel, lodging and more, while at the same time the family’s income typically declines as parents must take time off work to be with their sick child.  Last year, Helping Hands received applications for financial assistance totaling $294,079.00.  We were able to fund only $120,603.00.  May I suggest your gift be designated and restricted to Helping Hands where it will fund past due rents and utilities of families who have a child battling cancer. 

Finally, know how grateful I am for your gift. 

With sincere appreciation,

Greg Anderson, Founder & CEO

Cancer Recovery Foundation International

AllBks

Tel:  936.231.8460, x-110  Fax:  936.231.8462

www.CancerRecovery.org

What Weird and the Children’s Cancer Recovery Foundation Have in Common

ccrLogoAs you may know,  Bizarre 2! is dedicated to Kristina, the daughter of a close friend who died of cancer just as the book was going to print. The Children’s Cancer Recovery Foundation was a place of refuge and help to the family throughout the process. So, I thought if the book was dedicated to Kristina, why not give the profits to the the CCRF?

So, I contacted Heritage Press, the publishers, and they are now working through the process of giving all the profits to the CCRF. I just hope they are OK with me stealing their logo off of their webpage for the blog. Anyhow they are a terrific organization and I hope this little bit helps.

Meanwhile I’ve been getting some new reviews. Kristine wrote, “I’ve been reading it [Bizarre Bible Stories 2!] every morning to my little ladies. We are loving it. The words they use to describe it are, “awesome, funny and weird.”

So, the CCRF isn’t weird. Bizarre 2! is. I’ll take it as a compliment.

AllBks